In February 2004, the design firm OrangeYouGlad asked me to help them with copy for a Valentine's Day love quiz they were putting together. The results were typically goofy...:

The World Famous Stupendously Splendiferous Sex Barometer!
http://www.orangeyouglad.com/quiz/

Quiz Questions

When you spot a cutie at a bar, what do you do?
a. I check to see how sweaty my palms are.
b. I force my friend to go over and make introductions.
c. I send a drink over with my compliments.
d. I don't have to do a damn thing -- they always come to me.

How long does it take to get to first base?
a. So, you want to talk baseball?!?
b. Never…well, unless they are working a kissing booth or are from France.
c. Usually on the first date.
d. Are you kidding? I was on third base by the time you finished reading the question.

What is your idea of a romantic gift?
a. Gift? You mean I'm not enough?
b. A bite of my candy bar.
c. Some nice chocolates, a book by a favorite author, and a backrub.
d. A sweet nothing…from Frederick's of Hollywood!

What pet name do you use when talking to your sweetheart?
a. I like to call my imaginary friend "7 of 9."
b. I'm not really allowed to call them anything but their proper name.
c. Something cute: honey, sweetie, sugar, pumpkin
d. Something sexy: baby, hot mama, master/mistress

When being introduced to your sweetheart's parents you are most likely introduced as:
a. The subject of that pesky little "restraining order"
b. My good friend
c. Your future son/daughter in-law
d. This dude/chick I met at that bar

What was the length of your longest relationship?
a. 30 seconds (in person) to 10 minutes (online)
b. 5 years -- but only as friends
c. 2 years -- very romantic, but we grew apart…sniffle…
d. 24 hours -- he/she just couldn't get enough of me -------


Quiz Result Profiles

1. The Repeller
All of us are magnets, but the trick with L-O-V-E is to attract, not repel. If you are The Repeller and you're (incredibly) on a date, in all likelihood, the outing will not end well. In fact, count yourself lucky if the other person doesn't run screaming from you. Some simple tips: don't threaten your date; don't bring your domineering mom along "just for fun;" don't reveal that you collect strange molds in the basement; don't always try to steer the conversation towards Jedi, elves, or serial killers; and bathe.

Famous Repellers: The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings, Freddy and/or Jason, National Anthem-mode Roseanne Barr, The Wicked Witch of the East, Fatal Attraction's Alex Forrest, Urkle

2. Just a Friend
Are you the one who always provides the shoulder to cry on? Are you the one who listens? Who consoles? Always a bridesmaid but never a bride? If you're in anyway interested in any sort of romantic activity, the "just a friend" label is a polite but severely counter-productive Kiss Of Death. To be "just a friend" is to be in close proximity to your dream, but never having it fulfilled. There is hope, however: a nice, sexy fling will certifiably kick-start your cool! Look beyond whomever you're convinced is "The One," relax, and don't try so hard.

Famous Just Friends: Pretty in Pink's Duckie, Fozzie Bear, Saved by the Bell's Screech, Milhouse from The Simpsons, Sex in the City's Miranda, Fez from That 70s Show, Clay Aiken, Phoebe from Friends

3. You Got "It"
Sweet, sexy, smart and confident -- you give out an A+ vibe to all the right people. Everybody wishes they were you. Even your date's friends are jealous! Considerate and selfless, you are open to doing anything with the right person. You are well on your way to some serious and fulfilling relationships. Congrats! But make sure to keep things interesting with humor, spontaneity and a little sass. The love doctor describes your mojo as "healthy."

Famous "It" guys and gals: Johnny Depp, Reese Witherspoon, Prince William, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, Marilyn Monroe

4. The Player You look good in everything to everybody everywhere and you know it. Do you just have so much attitude it's easy to convince people of your awe-inspiring cool? Or is it that certain je ne sais quoi? Maybe it's both? Either way, welcome to the privileged world of The Player, where the living and l'amour come easy. But you can't fool us with that feigned indifference. You have a reputation, you've had more relationships than you can count, and you're bored. Maybe it's time to temper that sexual promiscuity so you can find somebody to settle down with? If that's too much to ask, maybe you can start simply by remembering your date's name…

Famous Players: Colin Farrell, Paris Hilton, James Bond, Bill Clinton, Gene Simmons, Sex in the City's Samantha

© 2002 Andrew Duncan | All rights reserved | Do not reproduce without expressed consent of author.