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AMERICAN IDLES
(column for 4 Color Review, April 2002)

Yes, even the fine folks here at 4CR get bored to death of comics. There's a whole wide world out there people! A whole wide world with useless, addictive television shows like AMERICAN IDOL.

By now, everyone knows the anti-climactic outcome...yeah, the whole thing pretty much got boring once Tamyra was kicked off. Anyway, in the fine tradition of timeless American classics like "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" and "Revenge Of The Nerds," we present the definitive future for your favorite flavors of the month. This time, the fun is on us. Enjoy.

Kelly Clarkson - After AMERICAN IDOL is signed to a multi-million dollar contract by Dischord Records. Kelly gets second thoughts, buys herself out with the money she receives from being the spokesperson for Laura Bush's wildly popular "Just Say Douche" campaign, and decides to go with Epitaph. Her first record is a massive success. She starts sleeping with her Svengali-like manager and becomes bulimic. She combats her psychological problems with her second endeavor, the double album prog opera "The Giant Wizard Dwarf Elves Of Nasgaznaroth." It sells three copies. Kelly movies to India and becomes known as "The Honky Queen Of Bollywood."

Justin Guarini - After AMERICAN IDOL is chosen by the Russians over Lance Bass to be shot into space. The reason according to former astronaut Yuri Andropov: "Sideshow Justin is less of pussy. We use Lance for secret KGB experiments." During the flight, something goes wrong and Justin enters a time anomaly. When he returns to the earth, it is thousands of years later, and mankind has evolved into intelligent, ape-like animals. Justin is captured by the apes and forced into slavery, but gains his freedom when he serenades Cornelius with the bar mitzvah version of "Yes We Have No Bananas." Through Cornelius' Svengali-like influence, Justin quickly becomes an ape superstar, serenading millions of monkeys with "The Banana Splits Theme Song," the "Banana Boat Song," and The Dead Milkmen classic "Smoking Banana Peels."

Nikki McKibbin - After AMERICAN IDOL earns a small fortune posing naked for Playboy, Hustler, Snatch, All-American Beaver, Jugs, Naked White Chicks, and Down Home Cooter. She uses the money to attend Harvard, where after just 2.5 years she earns a masters degree in chemical nuclear physics math engineering computer science. Her thesis project is an android of "Off The Wall"-era Michael Jackson. The American public, thinking that Michael has finally gone through therapy or is on medication or whatever and is cool again, happily embraces the android. MJ android tours the globe to adoring crowds everywhere he goes. Meanwhile, the real Michael Jackson has been quietly asexually reproducing offspring for decades in order to amass an army to take over the world. This never happens.

Tamyra Gray - After AMERICAN IDOL releases a single that sounds like Aaliyah, then one that sounds like Mariah, then one that sounds like Ashanti, then one that sounds like Destiny's Child, then one that sounds like Janet, then a lame duet with Ja Rule, and one with Axl Rose and Buckethead. They are all commercially successful because the American public is either stupid or under the spell of the aliens from "They Live." Tamyra is artistically frustrated, and know she'll only do something worthwhile if Missy Elliot, Timbaland, Dr. Dre, the Neptunes, and Outkast produce it. So, she puts out a record with those guys that contains duets with Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner, Bill Withers, Isaac Hayes, Rakim, Mavis Staples, Jay-Z, Chuck D, Boogie Down Productions, a reformed Tribe Called Quest, and the clone of Curtis Mayfield.

Randy Jackson - After AMERICAN IDOL admits that there is no way that Justin Guarini is related to Samuel L. Jackson: The Coolest Man On Earth. He is secretly disgusted by the two insultingly bland songs created for AMERICAN IDOL, and retires to his melon farm in Florida where he can spend all day with his honeydews.

Paula Abdul - Marries MC Skat Kat, and continues to dance, dance, DANCE! Surprisingly, manages to be less of a has-been than Emilio Estevez.

Simon Cowell - After reminding us why we kicked the Brits out in the first place, is handed the crown of "Most Famous Gay Man In America" from the former king, Rosie O'Donell. Buys the idea of AMERICAN IDOL WITH CHICKS THAT ARE NAKED from me for a generous sum.